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Losing a spouse is so different than losing another family member. Don’t get me wrong, they are all hard. But with a spouse there is always a constant daily reminder of them. Every meal time, television time, card playing time, morning prayer time. No more anniversaries, grocery shopping together. Meals–how do I cook for just one? Sharing the beauty we see around us with them, a car companion, bouncing off ideas, decisions, and discussing your future goals together. These have now drastically changed. In fact, you don’t even know what your goals and future should be now. Then comes all the constant paperwork to remove them from all this and that. The mail that still comes addressed to them as a reminder. Even the loss of income.

I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful group of loving family and friends, and love them all but they have their own lives, goals, futures. I love visiting them and look forward to doing more of that in the future, but I think I still need my independence too. I am not ready to be in that group of elderly people who lose a spouse and need to permanently go live with a family member or in an assisted living place because they can’t live on their own. Even though I am 76, I feel like I am still in my 50’s or 60’s. I was so not ready to lose my spouse yet! I don’t want to have to start over now by selling my homes and moving somewhere new, and yet I find I do have limitations now at my age. For example, driving at night time and driving in snow and ice. Going on long drives. Going anywhere! More than likely by myself. What fun is in that? Being the odd person in the group. Yes, I was previously divorced but still had children in the home to raise, so I wasn’t alone.

I have always tried to be the assistant in this marriage of 32 years, helping him when needed, his being my rock when I needed it. I often looked after and put his needs before my own. Especially when he would come in from working hard, cutting wood, shoveling snow, mowing the grass. Things I couldn’t do. It feels so strange now and lonely. Yes, you can be lonely in a crowd! So, to all the other widows/widowers out there, I feel your pain, and I now totally understand what my other friends and family in this position are going through and so wish I had understood before, when you lost yours. Forgive me for not being there more for you. I truly had no idea. And for those who still have your spouses, think about what this side of the coin looks like, and treasure each moment you have together, even when you get irritated with them, and wish you could have a few moments peace! As they say, be careful what you wish for, (even for just a moment). Start a plan for what you will do if and when one of you are no longer here. Be more prepared than I am. And hopefully this will give you some insight of what’s to come. They should teach a class on it. Maybe they do. If so, take it, please. It still won’t be easy though. I know it will just take time and lots of prayer and guidance from above.

These are some of the comments I’ve received on Facebook:

Molly…so very true. It’s been 4 months without my hubby of 45 years..not an easy journey. But I just go with my feelings. So, blessed to have wonderful memories that make me smile, laugh, and yes…cry. Love and hugs as you find your way.

Oh honey, i know this to be true, I’m still sleeping on the couch- our bed i just can’t yet. I’m praying for comfort , i love you

Well said. I have found that all those feelings never go away and you really don’t want them to. I finally coped with Bills death only after years of therapy and getting involved in something totally outside my previous life. In my volunteering at the zoo. It’s been a lifesaver for me and I’ll do it as long as I can.It’s hard,but almost like starting a whole new life.Not like what I had, but it’s working for me,even if I did start out thinking that nothing would ever be okay again.

I know what you are saying
.i still nerd help
And noone to call. God is helping me a lot.
I love you
When you cime home i try to see you.
Take care

Molly, maybe someday you will teach that class my dear. Or you could teach a writing class, because you have so well expressed in words what so many of us feel in our hearts but can’t really say. For me it has been almost 2 years and still there are so many times I miss him. Like you said, the small things as well as the big things. Because Jesus was in our hearts, we had both accepted him as Saviour long ago, we had that in common and I miss sharing our faith and praying together. But the other side of the coin is, I know where he is and that he is very happy now and would not come back if he could and I will join him before long. In the meantime, since the Lord left me here for a while, I am enjoying His fellowship and the peace that He promised to give me. The Bible tells me that God is now my husband, and I wear a ring to remind me of that, and I tell Him almost daily that I appreciate His watch care over me and answers when I pray. I know you have Jesus’ strength and will walk with Him into this new chapter in your life.

Then I posted this on Facebook regarding a memory Facebook wanted to post or share: I know they mean well, but this is hard to see right now. It gives me mixed emotions. Love the photo of us, but then I miss him more. You’d think having to see his photos constantly over the last three months while getting them done for the three memorials I had to do, would start numbing those emotions but it’s more like a wound that is starting to heal only to be getting ripped open again. Emily and I were at the grocery store today and wouldn’t you know, they started playing “Always” over their sound system. Our wedding song. It stopped me in my tracks. I almost broke down crying right there. Instead I held it in and just felt the heaviness. I remember my friend Carolyn Coffman telling me how she cried every night and feeling sad for her but not knowing how to help her and here I am, still not knowing how. I guess it has to be a time thing.

Then the comments:

This was the hardest for me too, i have really been off fb for most part, not just because of the memories posts, but i had to clear my plate, as in anything requiring my response opinion etc. i just have been sorting through these last few years and trying to grasp the “whys” but i know we aren’t supposed to know why always, trust the journey. I love you my friend!

Did anyone prepare us for this? When you and I were growing up did we ever think about this? Sure, you know you will outlive your parents and when I thought about it I would cry. It seemed too soon that I was an orphan, and it was hard. But losing a spouse is somehow a different kind of hard and much harder to deal with. And then there’s the firsts. The first christmas, the first birthday, the first anniversery. They go on forever. Be sure you plan something to do for those occasions. Don’t try to do them alone. I had big christmas celebrations with my Mother and my whole family, a tradition that had been there my whole life to fall back on. And then my Mom died and that came to an end. But my son Rich stepped in and sends me train tickets every thanksgiving and christmas to join his family in oregon for those holidays and that’s become my new tradition. I still miss those big family christmas and thanksgiving celebrations at my moms but it helps to have a new tradition to turn to. As more years go by it seems easier. I haven’t forgotten Bill or my Mom and Dad and what we had when they were alive, but I’m grateful for what I have in the present. On the black humor side of things, why is it that our first husbands are still alive? Take care, hugs and more hugs, and I wish I was there with you.

Please feel free to join in and express your feelings, suggestions, what has worked for you, what you need help with, whatever. That is what this blog is for!