Welcome to My New Widow’s perspective Blog
Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken. — Oscar Wilde. This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
The Suburban, having sat for six months, is giving me payback now. The driver’s door won’t open remotely now without using the key, the buttons on the inside of the door won’t work and the back hatch door won’t unlock. Yesterday I had to crawl over the seat to try and unlock it from the… Read more
Heather got me thinking after reading her Tuesday Tuneup blog today. Who am I? I truly don’t know anymore. I defined myself as half of a whole, when I was married to Ted. I was his better half, I would say jokingly. Although he let me do whatever I wanted, I would always let him… Read more
Interesting how you can be happy and sad at the same time! I just watched “Sleepless in Seattle” last night which I hadn’t seen in quite a while. It was such a great movie—sad and funny and sad and happy. Especially when Jimmy Durante was singing “Make Someone Happy “ which brought back wonderful childhood… Read more
The roller coaster of emotions. Especially when required to do tasks involving the medical bills, the non-payment from renters, the appeals to Medicare, and so on. So draining. Then the next day, with the tasks done, rather than relief or a pat on the back, there is a numbness. I find I don’t cry as… Read more
Little did I know when my friend took me on the bus to downtown Seattle to show me all the new buildings Amazon was building, (making a total of 57 so far), that I would be walking 8,000 plus steps! My arms and shoulders paid for it later, but surprisingly not my legs. I was… Read more
Every task is so much harder now. it seems like things take longer to process, making my patience thin. I have to be more careful when processing my orders, looking over them more than once to be sure everything is right. Sometimes my hands will just jerk. When I stop to wonder why, I realize… Read more
A beautiful sunny day called for a walk on the beach. The same beach I grew up with starting 72 years ago. It was always my haven. I would come down, sit on a log or on the rocks and slowly move them back and forth looking for agates. I even found an arrowhead one… Read more
It’s funny. I hate that word. It’s a label. An unnecessary one except it reminds me I am one. But it also defines us. We are a group that unless you are one, you don’t truly understand what we are going through. It’s like we have our own club house and you can only enter… Read more
It was six months yesterday. I was at a retirees luncheon of a small group of friends from the college we worked at. One had just lost her husband in December. I explained how my blogging group have helped me, but she doesn’t have internet. We talked for a while and exchanged phone numbers, so… Read more
As some of you may know, although I have flown over 70+ times, I haven’t liked it since my dear cousin’s small plane crashed in the same mountains I am going over in a small plane right now. Before takeoff they had to de-ice the plane. There were rough looking clouds ahead. We finally took… Read more
Just as I feared, baggage check and Security were a nightmare. I had three pounds too many in one of the checked bags, and less than needed in the other, so had to transfer stuff until it was okay. Which meant I had a heavier bag to carry on. Got to Security, and they pulled… Read more
In about 12 hours I’ll be on a plane to Seattle. My daughter is renting a house that they are trying to sell, so she probably won’t be here next time I see her and her family. Sadness envelops me. I’m tired of goodbyes. I need to give myself an attitude adjustment and start finding… Read more
Here are some definitions I found on the internet: soul[sōl]NOUN the spiritual or immaterial part of a human being or animal, regarded as immortal. synonyms:psyche · inner self · inner being · essential being · pneuma · anima · ego · id · ka · atman a person’s moral or emotional nature or sense of… Read more
Which is totally out of concept for me. However, when it comes to explaining what I am feeling to others, I can’t. Because, I don’t know what I feel. It constantly changes, or hides. There is a numbness, a compilation of distractions, a mixture of sadness, anger, impatience, ignorance and confusion. But most of all… Read more
Leave it to Facebook to find a photo of Valentines flowers from Ted, that I haven’t seen since then! I am going to try to make this memory a positive one instead of a sad one. Especially since it was also our anniversary signifying 29 years, at that time, since our first date. It will… Read more
I don’t know about all of you, but I take lots of vitamins and very few Prescription drugs. (Probably why people think I am younger than I am). I have two different sets of weekly pill holders—one for the vitamins, the other for the meds. I could swear I just filled them and they are… Read more
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Losing a spouse is so different than losing another family member. Don’t get me wrong, they are all hard. But with a spouse there is always a constant daily reminder of them. Every meal time, television time, card playing time, morning prayer time. No more anniversaries, grocery shopping together. Meals–how do I cook for just one? Sharing the beauty we see around us with them, a car companion, bouncing off ideas, decisions, and discussing your future goals together. These have now drastically changed. In fact, you don’t even know what your goals and future should be now. Then comes all the constant paperwork to remove them from all this and that. The mail that still comes addressed to them as a reminder. Even the loss of income.
I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful group of loving family and friends, and love them all but they have their own lives, goals, futures. I love visiting them and look forward to doing more of that in the future, but I think I still need my independence too. I am not ready to be in that group of elderly people who lose a spouse and need to permanently go live with a family member or in an assisted living place because they can’t live on their own. Even though I am 76, I feel like I am still in my 50’s or 60’s. I was so not ready to lose my spouse yet! I don’t want to have to start over now by selling my homes and moving somewhere new, and yet I find I do have limitations now at my age. For example, driving at night time and driving in snow and ice. Going on long drives. Going anywhere! More than likely by myself. What fun is in that? Being the odd person in the group. Yes, I was previously divorced but still had children in the home to raise, so I wasn’t alone.
I have always tried to be the assistant in this marriage of 32 years, helping him when needed, his being my rock when I needed it. I often looked after and put his needs before my own. Especially when he would come in from working hard, cutting wood, shoveling snow, mowing the grass. Things I couldn’t do. It feels so strange now and lonely. Yes, you can be lonely in a crowd! So, to all the other widows/widowers out there, I feel your pain, and I now totally understand what my other friends and family in this position are going through and so wish I had understood before, when you lost yours. Forgive me for not being there more for you. I truly had no idea. And for those who still have your spouses, think about what this side of the coin looks like, and treasure each moment you have together, even when you get irritated with them, and wish you could have a few moments peace! As they say, be careful what you wish for, (even for just a moment). Start a plan for what you will do if and when one of you are no longer here. Be more prepared than I am. And hopefully this will give you some insight of what’s to come. They should teach a class on it. Maybe they do. If so, take it, please. It still won’t be easy though. I know it will just take time and lots of prayer and guidance from above.
These are some of the comments I’ve received on Facebook:
Molly…so very true. It’s been 4 months without my hubby of 45 years..not an easy journey. But I just go with my feelings. So, blessed to have wonderful memories that make me smile, laugh, and yes…cry. Love and hugs as you find your way.
Oh honey, i know this to be true, I’m still sleeping on the couch- our bed i just can’t yet. I’m praying for comfort , i love you
Well said. I have found that all those feelings never go away and you really don’t want them to. I finally coped with Bills death only after years of therapy and getting involved in something totally outside my previous life. In my volunteering at the zoo. It’s been a lifesaver for me and I’ll do it as long as I can.It’s hard,but almost like starting a whole new life.Not like what I had, but it’s working for me,even if I did start out thinking that nothing would ever be okay again.
I know what you are saying
.i still nerd help
And noone to call. God is helping me a lot.
I love you
When you cime home i try to see you.
Molly, maybe someday you will teach that class my dear. Or you could teach a writing class, because you have so well expressed in words what so many of us feel in our hearts but can’t really say. For me it has been almost 2 years and still there are so many times I miss him. Like you said, the small things as well as the big things. Because Jesus was in our hearts, we had both accepted him as Saviour long ago, we had that in common and I miss sharing our faith and praying together. But the other side of the coin is, I know where he is and that he is very happy now and would not come back if he could and I will join him before long. In the meantime, since the Lord left me here for a while, I am enjoying His fellowship and the peace that He promised to give me. The Bible tells me that God is now my husband, and I wear a ring to remind me of that, and I tell Him almost daily that I appreciate His watch care over me and answers when I pray. I know you have Jesus’ strength and will walk with Him into this new chapter in your life.
Then I posted this on Facebook regarding a memory Facebook wanted to post or share: I know they mean well, but this is hard to see right now. It gives me mixed emotions. Love the photo of us, but then I miss him more. You’d think having to see his photos constantly over the last three months while getting them done for the three memorials I had to do, would start numbing those emotions but it’s more like a wound that is starting to heal only to be getting ripped open again. Emily and I were at the grocery store today and wouldn’t you know, they started playing “Always” over their sound system. Our wedding song. It stopped me in my tracks. I almost broke down crying right there. Instead I held it in and just felt the heaviness. I remember my friend Carolyn Coffman telling me how she cried every night and feeling sad for her but not knowing how to help her and here I am, still not knowing how. I guess it has to be a time thing.
Then the comments:
This was the hardest for me too, i have really been off fb for most part, not just because of the memories posts, but i had to clear my plate, as in anything requiring my response opinion etc. i just have been sorting through these last few years and trying to grasp the “whys” but i know we aren’t supposed to know why always, trust the journey. I love you my friend!
Did anyone prepare us for this? When you and I were growing up did we ever think about this? Sure, you know you will outlive your parents and when I thought about it I would cry. It seemed too soon that I was an orphan, and it was hard. But losing a spouse is somehow a different kind of hard and much harder to deal with. And then there’s the firsts. The first christmas, the first birthday, the first anniversery. They go on forever. Be sure you plan something to do for those occasions. Don’t try to do them alone. I had big christmas celebrations with my Mother and my whole family, a tradition that had been there my whole life to fall back on. And then my Mom died and that came to an end. But my son Rich stepped in and sends me train tickets every thanksgiving and christmas to join his family in oregon for those holidays and that’s become my new tradition. I still miss those big family christmas and thanksgiving celebrations at my moms but it helps to have a new tradition to turn to. As more years go by it seems easier. I haven’t forgotten Bill or my Mom and Dad and what we had when they were alive, but I’m grateful for what I have in the present. On the black humor side of things, why is it that our first husbands are still alive? Take care, hugs and more hugs, and I wish I was there with you.
Please feel free to join in and express your feelings, suggestions, what has worked for you, what you need help with, whatever. That is what this blog is for!