My friend invited me to her church function yesterday and not knowing many people, I was hesitant but then decided to go. I am so glad I did. We were put in groups and moved from station to station working on related projects, reading and discussing parts out of the Bible regarding Jesus life at the end, and watching a video. At each station I was surprised how much I learned. There are so many parts of the Bible that present a picture of how life was during those times and gives us a better understanding of it. I came out of there refreshed and curious enough to want to learn more.

If I wake up in the early hours of the morning, I try to use that time as my devotional time. This morning , when done, I started reflecting on the good times we had when we rode with our Goldwing Motorcycle Group.—one trip in particular came to mind. We were riding down the Columbia Gorge with the winds blowing so hard we had to hold onto our chin straps to keep the helmets from choking us as the wind pushed them up off our heads. I tried to hold Ted’s too as he needed both hands to control the bike. When we crossed over the Columbia River onto the Washington side, we stopped at the first town right after the bridge called Goldentown. It had a motel and bar, and first thing we all did was order a hot spiked coffee to warm us up and calm our nerves. Ted never let on if he was nervous or not. Another trip to remember was to Golden BC. on our way to Lake Louise. (I just realized the similarities of the town names and the events that were weather related.) It was later when we arrived at our destination, dark and pouring down rain. The person in charge of making the reservation for us neglected to mention they had no power, just used kerosene lanterns, and the drive up to the lodge would be on a dirt road, in the dark, and we had to cross a wooden bridge with wooden tracks for the tires. Problem being, our motorcycles had to ride on just the cross beams, and our camping trailers with two wheels had to ride on the tracks. We riders got off and nervously watched as our spouses maneuvered their way across. Once on the other side, we had to go up a slippery muddy road until we reached the lodge. One couple went down with their bike slipping in the mud. We were suppose to be camping outside the lodge with our tents, but had no clue where as the only lights were the lanterns in the lodge itself. Fortunately, the owners were wonderful people and actually put us up in the lodge itself instead. We were soaked, cold and hungry. While we changed out of our wet clothes, and made sure the couple who had gone down were okay, the owners made us a scrumptious meal. Ted was his usual rock, with no complaints. The next day we were able to see where our camp spot would have been. It would have been difficult to get to, but on a good day it would have been fun. We walked down to it, enjoying the little covered wagons in a circle that were for campers to stay in, as we smelled the breakfast cooking on the outdoor grill and picnic area that was being prepared for us. We ended up having a wonderful adventure to put in our memory bank. As I smiled to myself, I experienced a strong feeling of Ted’s presence. As if he too, were enjoying the memory. It occurred to me then, as I become more able to think about these wonderful memories and enjoy them, that I am not closing myself up to focusing on just my loss. By opening up my heart to let it fill with good memories, I might be letting Ted in too.

Are you a Type A personality? Well, I am! Ted was my balance. He would slow me down, and I would speed him up. it was a good balance. With him gone, I guess God decided I needed another way to slow me down. Other than doing my twelve exercises that I am forced to do to get well, (I am not an exercise person!), now that I have an LCL knee sprain, I am very limited. Worst of all, NO DRIVING! I can walk around the house without a crutch now, just a cane. Four more days of this hinged knee brace then getting more freedom is my only motivation to force myself to do those time consuming exercises. Not that I have much else to do, mind you. It makes for long days. My puppy is challenging as he doesn’t realize I have a hurt leg, and we have had some close calls. The last thing I want is another injury! He is learning though. My biggest fear is in some way I might hurt it again. I think I’d go crazy if I did. I use to tend to ignore my body’s complaints but not now. Time seems to go too slow. I’m reading more, playing scrabble with my son, calling family with health issues to check on them, playing Sudoku, writing in my blog, purchasing more realistic and lightweight displays for my jewelry shows, and know I need to start designing more jewelry, but for some reason I feel exhausted by the afternoons. I think I am a little depressed too, which is probably preventing me from wanting to do any designing. I need a good talk with myself. I need to look at how far I have come in the last 11 days, rather than how far I still have to go. I need to get creative in what I do to fill my day. Since boredom is foreign to me, I don’t want to embrace it. Same with feeling sorry for myself. It’s definitely not in my comfort zone. It’s times like these I really miss my Ted.

It is slower and bumpier sometimes going up hill, and longer to get to the top, just like life. But you can enjoy your life along the way. When at the top, it seems like you are just beginning to enjoy it when you find yourself picking up speed as you spiral down the hill. Days seem to quickly go by, edging you closer to the end times of life. There must be a way to put the brakes on to at least slow it down. A balance. A way to enjoy these times instead of just playing the waiting game. It’s so hard though, not having that special someone there to share it with.

I don’t mean the scary movie fears, I mean the little fears. The ones that cause you to delay, or put off permanently, something you need to do. After Ted died, a lot of these fears came to fruition. I was forced to do some driving in the snow. I was stranded with just my dog and no cell service with car trouble. I moved into a home I’d never lived in before. I attended my church for the first time after Ted died. So many more little fears that with God’s help, I managed to survive. My latest was taking a shower. I know that sounds ludicrous, but I have an LCL Sprain in my right knee along with tendinitis as of six days ago. I have to use crutches and a brace and ace bandage, I have been afraid to take a shower in my corner column shower. This morning I couldn’t stand it any longer, prayed about it, and took the plunge! I was very careful. I had my cell phone and crutches nearby, door unlocked and notified my son downstairs of my intentions. Moving very slowly and holding on wherever I could, I managed to shower and wash my hair. I am now back in my recliner feeling squeeky clean and proud of myself. One more notch on my fear belt. I’m realizing more and more that fear is just a door trying to close on parts of my life and I am not going to let it!

I had my trip all planned out to go to MI to see my family by driving six hours to Seattle, visit with family there for two weeks, then fly to MI via Chicago to Grand Rapids, and car ride for 1-1/2 hours more to my sons home. Last night I went to get up off of the seat, and heard a pop in my knee that had done the same noise and pain two months ago, only this time I couldn’t even lift my leg or move. Long story short, with a trip to the ER, where I never wanted to go again after losing my husband in a hospital, I now have a straight knee brace so I can’t bend my knee, due to a Lateral Collateral knee sprain and Tendinitis. No car riding, let alone driving in the near future, length of time yet to be determined. My planned trip is now iffy. Time will tell. I’m going to do my best to follow all the instructions to get well as fast as I can! I need this trip! Even if someone else has to drive me to Seattle!

Those three words usually remind me of the Bible’s first three words, but that isn’t where my thoughts are right now. I am reflecting on what I felt in the beginning of this new journey of widowhood. It’s been 17 months. In the beginning, my emotions were all over the place. I cried at even the simplest things. I was in a daze or shock. I felt lost and so alone. Oh, my family and friends were there for me, but they didn’t truly understand my feelings. Nor did I express all of them. I didn’t know how. I remember how I had to fill out forms and hated having to check the box called widow. I didn’t want that classification. I still don’t like it. It wasn’t by choice. I was bouncing around from family to family, place to place, not wanting to go home to where he wouldn’t be, but not wanting to impose on others either. The distractions were good for me even though I didn’t know it at the time. As I compare that time to now, I see I have come a long way. I’m so grateful I had WordPress to go to as a way to express my emotions, feelings and thoughts. I’d just heard about blogging from my previous boss who was an elder in his church and his blogs were very interesting, but I didn’t understand the concept until I researched it on the Web and found WordPress. I find, as I compare now to then, that getting my feelings out and down in written form has been very therapeutic for me, in addition to interacting with others with similar experiences. I don’t cry hardly at all now. I can look at photos and enjoy our memories now. I’m finding out ways to do some of the things he did, or how to ask others to help, or even purchasing things that would make it do-able for me. I am hiring family and friends before strangers, letting them know it feels good to help them while they are helping me. I’m discovering new ways to find my new purpose in life. I’m more sensitive to others as I observe other women alone at events that I have pushed myself to start participating in, such as places where I can play Bunco, or Bingo, at clubs. I’ll mention in passing that I’d lost my husband recently, and so far, each one has also lost theirs. We have something in common. A special bond develops from like experiences. They become someone we can feel comfortable with when attending these events, not feeling like we are alone in a crowd. Yes, in the beginning it was devastating, but now I don’t feel like I am lost, or drowning anymore. To me, that is a big step forward. It will be interesting to see what the future will bring.

I don’t usually get depressed. At least not until my husband died, but every time I have to deal with something he use to handle, I get frustrated, upset, and scared. For example, I won’t drive in the winter when snow is on the road, as I had a bad accident once because of it. We now have been having beautiful spring-like weather and our snow is almost gone. I have to drive 1-1/2 hours this afternoon to get my car alignment done as I just had the rods, struts, etc replaced on my Suburban so in a few weeks I can make another six hour drive to the coast for family who are ill. I was told I need to get it aligned right away. Since we have no one in our little mountain town now who can do this, (our tire shop burnt down last fall), I have to drive over a pass now to get to one. I woke up this morning to SNOW on the ground! It was raining at the time, but all I could think about was there would snow on the pass. Why, Lord, Why! These kinds of things take me to the edge. He says he’ll never give us more than we can handle, but he sure brings us close. Plus, my appointment isn’t until 4:00pm and I don’t see well for driving in the dark! This is when I miss Ted the most! Am I wasting my time dealing with these unfamiliar emotions? I look out the window right now and see light colored clouds. Maybe this snow will all be gone shortly. Maybe it will be a nice day after all. Maybe I’ll have a good trip after all. I’m going to chose to believe I will!

If you have Facebook, or buy birthday cards depicting items from the past that you grew up with, it often stirs up memories from that time that give you a warm fuzzy feeling. To go along with that, I have now surrounded myself with items I have kept from my past. When I glance at them, I get that wonderful feeling. Instead of hiding them away in drawers or boxes, they are now in plain view. I was just thinking about my very first and only IPOD which I have buried in a container with other unused electronics. I bought it when I went to my very first, and only, Black Friday sale with my granddaughter and her mom. My granddaughter, then 19 and an expert on shopping deals already, got me an unbelievable price for it. We then each had one. As time went by, it was replaced with my IPAD. But I just realized I need to dig it out and display it, so when I see it, I’ll remember the fun we had, I have since moved 2500+ miles away and see her once a year, if that. I’m so glad to have these memories to remind me of the great times I’ve had in my life.

That’s the way I feel sometimes, like now. I’ve already had about 8 1/2 hours of sleep. If I didn’t have my year old puppy who routinely gets up about 6 or 6:30 wanting outside first, then his treat, while I refresh his food and water, then make myself a cup of coffee with a breakfast bar, I would have stayed in bed longer. As it happens, sometimes, like this morning, I get to hop back into bed with my coffee and bar, and IPAD, and look up the weather, etc. it’s nice and cozy and if I don’t have plans right away, or anything to really look forward to, then why should I get up. No husband to cook for. If I didn’t have my puppy, who knows when I’d want to get up. He usually hops in my recliner when he comes back in (so love my new doggy door now so I don’t have to wait for him) but if he wants my attention, he hops back up on my bed (all 80+ lbs of him) and prods me until I get up. I think he is good for me. I don’t have much time to feel down in the dumps! Staying in bed isn’t always a good thing.